Bianca is closed for business (and yes I'm aware how whorey that sounds) should anyone ever want to do a thread here and there or something, just drop me an e-mail as she's always close to my heart.

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What does "karma" mean to you?

Karma to me is my death sentence; which I guess technically has already been dished out since Wyatt managed to kill me. Then again I’m back by nothing I did, maybe someone sent me to finish what I started; to try to do as much good as I did evil, to save as many lives as I took. Karma to me is everyday, biting at my heals trying to get its claws into me.

The things I’ve done weigh on me everyday and I know I’ll never forget and even if I do my karma? Is probably affecting everyone I care about, this is me not casting any spells though; I deserve my karma and I’m not about to deflect it on anyone else.

Life’s been pretty good to me despite who I am and what I’ve done. Maybe that’s why I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I look in the mirror and I see nothing but a tainted woman, it’s like I can never get clean. I don’t know if that feeling is all my bad karma, who knows really. There’s always something more to do and someone else to help and I’ll do whatever I can. Not to balance my karma or to ensure that I don’t end up rotting away with the worst of the demons. I’ll do it because I need to.

Karma is my judge, jury and executioner; I’m just living out my sentence.

Fandom: Charmed
Muse: Bianca
Word Count: 242

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Current Mood: anxious anxious

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What You Really Think Of Your Friends

Evil!Chris is your soulmate.
You truly love Chris.
You consider Billie your true friend.
You know that Pheobe is always thinking of you.
You'll remember Cole for the rest of your life.
You secretly think Piper is creative, charming, and a bit too dramatic at times.
You secretly think that Prue is colorful, impulsive, and a total risk taker.
You secretly think that Evil!Paige is loyal and trustworthy to you. And that Evil!Paige changes lovers faster than underwear.
You secretly think Todd is shy and nonconfrontational. And that Todd has a hidden internet romance.

Bianca is bored.

[Her Mun is so very amused. I only used charmed people-ish for this since Bianca's not all that popular, heh, poor girl. Oh and Todd, I figured he would count or something]

Current Mood: bored bored

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Dear Bianca,

Don’t let her get to you; she’s not the kind of role model anyway. Don’t let her turn your interest in good magic into something bad or something you think you should be ashamed of because of your heritage. You have a choice Bianca.

I wish I could say I want to tell you everything to avoid, everything that will cause you pain but I can’t. I’ve never really been into fate but sometimes I think we should just let some things be. I don’t know who you’d be without everything you will go through. I’m not sure I’d want to meet her; then again I’m not so sure I want to meet me either.

There are so many people I could save; but I’ve learned that death will find them no matter what you do.

But Bianca, don’t ever be cruel and never just stop; have the strength to finish it even when it seems too hard, or when it hurts too much. Don’t let the darkness overcome you and the pain? Sometimes you just have to let it go.

Everything that you’re going to go through is going to hurt and sometimes the easy way, the way you were taught will seem like the only way to be. It’s not. She lied to you, you’ll always feel something.

You’re life will lead to somewhere with purpose, I promise. Trust your heart, don’t deny who you are but don’t let it consume you. One day you might meet an annoying kid with a sarcastic wit and eyes that you might want to drown in. Let him in.

Scars never leave you Bianca, but one day they will fade.

-A Phoenix Who Knows

Bianca stood in front of the apartment building where she’d grown up and fingered the letter in her hand. She’d refused to come here so far, she didn’t need to see her mother and she didn’t know how seeing herself would turn out in the cosmic sense. Still she’d written the letter and a few steps and she could possibly change the future for this version of herself.

She believed now that maybe she’d been meant to be who she was, meant to meet Chris so making a large change in this world might mess all that up. Then again Leo wasn’t alive in the world and it was unlikely that Chris and Wyatt would ever even exist. It made her heart ache for various reasons she didn’t want to delve into.

She walked up to the mailbox, slipped the letter inside and turned away before she could change her mind. Making a difference was relative wasn’t it? All the things she wished she’d known as a child.

Fandom: Charmed
Muse: Bianca
Word Count: 454

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Current Mood: anxious anxious

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I was never exactly a morning person but I wasn’t one of those who couldn’t get up and cursed their alarm clock up and down either. Maybe I was somewhere in between, I always had issues with sleeping; the nightmares really. I guess you should expect them when you’ve done the things I have and cared. I never tossed and turned or woke up screaming or anything, though sometimes I’d wake up in a cold sweat. I don’t think Chris ever noticed, mostly because I never talk about it; I never wanted to.

So I never sleep a lot, at least until lately, but I’m blaming the recently being dead thing; I’m allowed. So I guess I’m just me in the mornings, I’m not one of those girls who wakes up in stages, you know inch by inch? I’m just asleep and then awake; like blinking.

Of course that’s from me, for all I know I’m a massive bitch in the morning. I’d tell you to ask Chris but then I remember that I don’t remember the last time he was awake when it was still considered morning anyway and something tells me that hasn’t changed since he’s been back here. So you’ll just have to take my word for it.

Fandom: Charmed
Muse: Bianca
Word Count: 211

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Current Mood: complacent complacent

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Bianca's been sleeping a lot and she's not exactly sure why; she thinks maybe she's coming down with something. Maybe that something is life, she's not sure but she hasn't quite felt like making nice with anyone and it's rare that anyone really wants to make nice with her either. She's been around enough to talk to albet, not meet, this Billie girl who seems to be stuck in a timeline. What's with the timeline thing? Isn't anyone going to stay in their own timeline?

Sometimes she wonders what's so great about not being dead anymore, then she remembers she still has a lot to do to make up for all those things she has nightmares about.

Which brings her to the bad of her sleeping so much; the nightmares. She doesn't know why she still sleeps with the way they've been coming at her lately but she can't seem to do much else.

The woman was staring at her, eyes hollow with fear, shock and pain. Her breathing was shallow and her face pale. 13 year old Bianca shrank back against the wall and pulled her knees up to her chest, she wants to look away but she can't.

"Why?" The woman croaks out, her voice hoarse.

Bianca shakes her head and can't speak, she doesn't know why. Her mother made her? She had no choice? She had hadn't she? A tear leaks out of her eye and she doesn't move to whipe it away.

She sits there for hours, watching the life slowly and painfully drain from the woman whose powers she'd not fully stripped. And then she screams.

"Maybe it's a spell," she mutters to herself in the bathroom mirror. She hates mirrors, she has to see who she is when she looks in them and for a while that hadn't been so bad, but she's got a enough guilt to sink a ship so she tries to avoid the mirrors. And she should wonder why she's feeling so gloomy, sure things weren't exactly great and she still hadn't had a chance to talk to Chris much about anything but she was alive and not on the list of to-vanquish so she should just get over it.

But the screams in her head at night, the time that used to offer peace of mind, keep that weight on her soul. So instead of falling back into the comfortable bed in the room she'd been staying in at the manor she takes a long shower, trying to scrub away how dirty she still felt even after years of not taking any lives for hire. Then she pulled on a pair of jeans and t-shirt someone had managed to get for her (she didn't know who to thank for that) and headed downstairs to see if there was any new trouble brewing she could help with.

[Open to anyone at the Manor; Chris, Paige, Prue whoever (but a warning, i only have till tommorowish to play in tandem) after that it'll be sporadic for a week or so]

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apparently i'm not a slut, and i've met so few of youCollapse )
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The only thing I’ve ever really lost control of is my emotions. I couldn’t loose control of myself- that would get me killed. I’m kind of a control freak if you want to get just a bit technical, but that’s more about staying alive than anything else. My emotions though are a completely different story; pain can get so intense sometimes that you can just double over like you’ve been struck in the gut. I’ve dealt with pain but I don’t think I’ve lost control of that part of me.

I guess the biggest part of myself I’ve lost control of is my heart; which I’m betting anyone I know can say the same thing. See there was this punk kid with an attitude and he completely took me by surprise; made me see things I’d ignored before. For a while I wanted to hate him for it; he made me question everything I was and not in the way I had before. He pulled it all out and showed it off and it hurt, seeing who I was from someone else’s eyes.

I didn’t give up what I did for Chris; because that never would have worked. I gave it up because of me, I wanted to be better and sure he was a big part of the reason I did but it was for me.

My heart has been broken, mostly by people I cared about when I was younger, my mother, my mentor; people who were suppose to be there for me, do what was best for me. So losing control of it was a big deal to me, it made me feel vulnerable and afraid and those were things I wasn’t used to feeling. I didn’t like it; but I guess you rarely like when you lose control of anything. My heart influences me and I’d never really listened before. I can’t say listening to it sense has actually done much good; it was the reason I went back to stop Chris in the first place.

But I guess you can’t really help when you lose control of something; it’s kind of the definition.

Fandom: Charmed
Muse: Bianca
Word Count: 358

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Current Mood: geeky

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What do you think when you look in the mirror?

Back when I took jobs for money, when I claimed my birthright I used to cover up the mirrors in my apartment. That was before I found another use for my talents; but back then I did everything I could to keep myself from thinking too much about what I did. I thought if I looked in the mirror I’d see who I’d become.

I think I thought I’d see my mother and she was the last person on this earth I wanted to be like. Maybe pretending I didn’t care about what I did made me worse than her; maybe if I hadn’t cared everything would have been easier. What I do is in my nature, it’s been a part of who I am since before I was born; but you don’t always enjoy what you were made to do – do you?

Mirrors can be a reflection of who you are, who you don’t want to be. And let’s not even think about that whole mirror that leads to the polar opposite of this world. If I’m not mistaken there’s still evil versions of Chris and Paige on our side of the mirror that really need to be shoved back through, but that’s probably not what matters in terms of this question.

There’s this old legend my mother used to tell me; I have no idea if it’s true or not, for all I know it could be. A mirror can capture your soul. Maybe I should stay away from mirrors now too.

Fandom: Charmed
Muse: Bianca
Word Count: 254

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Current Mood: cold cold

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Talk About Something You Did That Made You Feel Ashamed Of Yourself Afterwards.

I should be ashamed of a lot of things I’ve done in my life. I can’t say that I want to recount them all, I’m not catholic and this isn’t a confessional so I’ll spare you that. I could talk about when I betrayed Chris but honestly that’s not the thing I’m most ashamed of in my life. Having good intentions doesn’t make me not ashamed of that, it only means that despite it all if I had to choose between his life and him never forgiving me I’d choose his life.

No, I think I’m ashamed of my first kill. It seems contrite I guess, why that kill? Not because it set me on the path I’m on and not even because I only did it to keep my mother off my back. See when I was a teenager I didn’t have my mom nagging me about school or my room or why I was sneaking out to meet some boy. No my mother would ask me every day if I was ready to join the fold.

“Do you want to become a murderer today Bianca?”

No I didn’t; but that’s not why I’m ashamed. It might be a bit confusing when I explain. See my first kill was a young witch. She had to have been less than 20, I was 13 and should have been less powerful, but I guess I looked pretty innocent at that age and she never saw me coming. I don’t want to say I’m not ashamed that I gave in to my mother, that I let her force me to become something I didn’t want to be, because I am. I was weak.

It’s how it happened that makes my gut clench so tightly that sometimes I don’t think it will ever go away. I still have nightmares about it.

I chickened out; I shimmered into her home – her sanctuary –and shoved my hand into her gut to strip her powers. She was stunned, rightfully so, and she stared at me her eyes were open in shock, fear and pain. I shouldn’t have looked up, I should have stayed focused on the task, but I did. I looked up into her eyes and what I saw there made me pull back. I hadn’t finished stripping her powers but I couldn’t move she was too weak and had no way to get away. I sat there with my back against the wall staring as she died slowly and painfully.

I’m ashamed that I didn’t know better, that I didn’t just slit her throat and save her the pain and horror of it; that’s not the way someone like her should have died.

I was weak.

Fandom: Charmed
Muse: Bianca
Word Count: 452

Current Mood: discontent discontent

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After her talk with Paige, Bianca decided to take her advice. After all it had been a really long day and she really hadn't even started dealing with the things she should be dealing with, but at least she was aware she was avoiding. It seemed like a good idea to let everything slide off her back, it had been the only reason she'd survived this long anyway. (Of course technically speaking she hadn't survived cause Wyatt had killed her and had she mentioned ouch?)

She wasn't even going to contemplate the avoidance issues with Chris, she didn't know who was avoiding things more her or him. Eventually though, she knew it would blow up, she just wondered where she'd be when it did.

Also, Paige? Coolest person ever. There was a reason she was Chris's favorite. Besides not knowing Prue at least cause really unfair advantage.

Honestly though, the woman had been there (and at the recieving end of a spell she might add) seen what she'd done to Chris and she had still instilled a little bit of trust in Bianca. She wasn't stupid she knew she wasn't being straight up trusted because that would be foolish, but it was something. She had, after all, offered Bianca the guest room in the manor, which really nice. If Bianca were the type she'd have cried, but she really wasn't, so no luck there.

After her coffee, which was an insane idea to begin with but hey, whatever. She headed up to the guest room (score for knowing the house inside and out huh?) and then to the bathroom to take a nice long hot shower because she felt like death (which was kind of fitting).

Unfortunately she had no clothing besides what she'd worn and she seriously wasn't about to leave the manor, she'd rather test her being able to come back (cause of the barrier see) when someone could actually let her back in so she ended up finding one of Chris's shirts and wore that, he'd seriously get over it if he had a problem with it.

After that? Yeah she was totally getting some sleep, she curled up in the guest bed and fell into a somewhat troubled (cause come on, she used to kill people the girl doesn't sleep well) sleep.

Current Mood: sleepy sleepy

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yeah alright ...Collapse )

How interesting? WTF?
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yeah, okCollapse )

Gee, Being bored is fun.

Current Mood: bored bored

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So that was that. Prue was alive and well and seemingly coping with her newfound aliveness (yeah ok Bianca's mun had a fun night with vodka, forgive her). Paige hadn't gone off and told all the sisters about Bianca's evil past, so you know that was pretty much the plus side. Life was no where near normal but honestly it never had been, at least things seemed to have calmed down and really that's all she could ask for. Well that and a place to stay, she wasn't sure she'd be welcome in the manor and generally she wouldn't care, she'd actually just sneak in if Chris wanted her there but honestly? She didn't want to push her luck, because not getting vanquished? Always a good thing.

Ahh, so the elusive problem of not technically existing therefor not being able to give identification, social security (what was she like 2 in this time? How bout lets not get confused for a toddler k?) and all the things you need to establish yourself. Sure she was a witch and she could in theory fabricate this and that, but it just seemed like a lot of work and she didn't just have spells handy. She wasn't about to go say 'hey mom I hate you in the future and everything but can I crash?' plus seeing yourself at that age? How about we leave the embarrassing side at home ok? Though the possibility of being able to save this version of herself some grief did seem appealing she wasn't so sure she could handle seeing her mother, it was enough knowing she was alive.

So she was at a loss, granted still in the manor trying to figure out what she was going to do. She really wanted to have some clue before she left because running into Wyatt was not on her list of things to do today, or you know ever.

Wyatt was a can of worms she didn't think she was ready to deal with. The evil version of Chris was annoying and really brought up things she didn't like to think about but she'd take him over Wyatt anyday, not that she's wishing for either because she's not stupid.

She is confused, thinking, bored, unsure, worried. You know the range of emotions a situation like this would incur. Instead of doing anything productive though she just sat in the living room sipping a cup of Coffee she'd helped herself too. Oh the tangled webs we weave. Understatement.

(and like Paige she's also bored)

Current Mood: contemplative contemplative

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What is your favorite thing to do to relax?

Relaxation? What a concept huh? I don’t think I’ve had a chance to relax since the world went to hell and Wyatt started controlling all of magic. You don’t really get a chance when you’re off killing people because Wyatt deems them unworthy or when you’re spending every waking hour trying to convince a supremely powerful being that you’re on his side, when really you’re plotting his fall from power. (Or to be more specific plotting to change the past so he never comes into power like that in the first place.)
a long time agoCollapse )

Fandom: Charmed
Muse: Bianca
Word Count: 544

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Current Mood: calm calm

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You are a dark chocolate cat! You are dark,
mysterious but once a person gets to know you,
they realize how sweet you are.

What Halloween Food are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Current Mood: bored bored

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So you know I think having the memory of my death is kind of screwed up right? Getting impaled it hurts, worse than being blow up, let me tell you. Besides if Piper blows me up I can reform, when Wyatt threw me across the attic and a huge ass piece of that attic ripped through my torso? Yeah What's with the Halliwell's and trying to kill me huh?

So the real problem at the moment is not getting a moments rest. Because I've been having to surpress fantacies involving two versions of my fiance' and tell me that wouldn't frustrate the hell out of you? And Chris and I? Haven't gotten ANY ALONE time if you know what I mean

So yeah, Let's let the world settle down. No more mirror world people and no more dead realatives. IS that too much to ask? Really?

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Current Mood: bored bored

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So she should really feel guilt, she knows that yet oh look no guilt. Honestly though guilt was never something Bianca dealt with till she was 21, before then everything just seemed like that's the way it was suppose to happen so why should she bother feeling bad about it? Of course that was BEFORE.

Now it was AFTER and she still didn't feel guilty. It was probably because she'd killed someone who'd killed Chris. It didn't really matter that it was an Elder or that he'd done the killing in a different demension at a different time, she figured if he was capable of killing Chris in one demension then he was certainly capable of doing it in this one. Bianca? Yeah she didn't like to take those kinds of chances.

Magic School had been abandoned and Possibly Evil!Gideon had attacked them (ok so Chris attacked him first but who was really keeping tabs anyway?). They did manage to get their hands on the mirror though, which was good for two people out of their times and place and all that. You know she really didn't want to dwell on Chris's death or her own, no matter when they'd happen, forgetting those memories wouldn't be so bad would they? Cause getting impaled? It hurt.

The point was they'd gotten the mirror if Gideon had been or ever would have been a threat they really didn't have to worry about that now, Not that they'd tell anyone. She didn't think the sisters would be quite as understanding as Chris, they didn't remember whatever it was he remembered. She'd even have to ask him about that later, his hatred for the elder was deep, not that being killed didn't warrant that, but she knew Chris pretty well. Something else was going on.

Chris orbed them, mostly because she was starting to feel the day weigh on her and she really liked the cool comforting feeling of being orbed by him (get your mind out of the gutter!)- hey what could she say she loved the man - to the manor and they put the mirror in a safe place.

For a split second Bianca thought she'd be able to have a minute of reprieve. Sucks for her that she happened to look out the window of the manor, mostly to check and see if Skank and Mullet had come back to see what else they could hurl at the house, and saw OMFG WAS THAT PRUE!

Bianca stared, I mean stared out the window in shock for who knows how long. Prue Halliwell, you know the sister that died what was it only a year? two ago, she still wasn't clear on exactly what time she was in (yeah she should have looked at a newspaper or turned on a tv but hey she was a little preoccupied with not finding the evil version of her fiance' hot alright? Can you blame her?). Of course she recognized the eldest Halliwell, I mean she had only studied their history for more than half her life. She probably knew more about them than they did (and let's try to forget the creepy factor ok? She's hot she can get away with anything.).

She felt Chris come up behind her and she really wished she was dreaming because she really wanted some alone time with him so she could try to make up that whole betrayed him to save his life thing. As it was she couldn't just ignore Prue standing on the lawn even if she did have other plans for her afternoon that did not include any members of his family. (It had been a while for her and she knew Chris wasn't a Saint but you know whatever, she was horny). Sometimes she missed when she was evil and didn't care about stuff like this.

"Uhh, Chris. Your Aunt Prue is outside."

And how's that for ruining an afternoon? Not that she blamed Prue, who really decides to come back from the dead? This had to be something else entirely.

Current Mood: annoyed annoyed

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She wasn't exactly uncomfortable with the situation, alright that was a lie. Meeting Piper Halliwell for the first time in this particular fashion wasn't how she expected. Not that she'd ever really expected it, in her world and time Piper had been dead years before she met Chris and Wyatt; so she'd never even begun to imagine what this meeting would be like. To Bianca when someone was gone, they were gone and you didn't dwell on them. It was easier to live her life that way.

So having shimmered to a hotel room after an abrupt and half panicked call from Chris? Then back to the manor to deal with an evil!Paige and evil!Chris (who would have thought?) was interesting, things like that didn't happen everyday even in the life she led. Then again she was in the past (if she stopped to think about it she'd realize that she was two years old in this time; asuming of course that she was born at all in this demension) and not even the past of her future. Man she had a headache.

Still being in the Halliwell Manor without scanners and probes detecting her every move, it was a heady experience. One she didn't intend to take for granted. She hoped she'd be spending a good bit of time here, with Chris of course.

She turned from the window where Mullet!Chris and Skanky!Paige orbed away, she couldn't get used to the black orbs that floated around the pair, Chris as a darklighter? She just didn't get it. Neither Chris (of the good variety) or Piper (who was more or less pissed off at having her morning interrupted) seemed all that ready to fill her in on how exactly there was an Evil version of Chris and Paige out there. Where was the real Paige? Not to mention Phoebe?

It wasn't her place to demand anything from anyone and she already had to deal with a set of memories where she'd betrayed Chris, she wasn't going to push her lucky by pissing off his mother (or not mother in this demension, God that headache just kept coming). Besides, she'd researched the Charmed ones since she was in high school, she had a kind of respect for them that most kids never learned. Even if, at the time it had been a kind of evil respect, wishing she'd been the one to end them. But she wasn't going to delve into that any further.

She also wondered where Wyatt was, as Chris had informed her he was here as well, it didn't make her feel all that safe. There where two things in the world that Bianca was afraid of, loosing Chris and Wyatt himself.

She turned to Piper and Chris, "So where did they come from?"
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Who do you need to forgive?

I don’t need to do anything, let alone forgive the people who’ve done me wrong. Just as I don’t need to be forgiven by those I’ve wronged. What I need is to erase the part of myself that doesn’t give a rat’s ass about forgiveness.

I forgave Chris a long time ago for leaving me behind in a world where he wasn’t in it. I forgave him for going back to change our world into a place where, if he succeeded, we might never meet. Those were things that haunted me just after he went back. I forgave myself for letting him go.

I’m not sure I’ll ever forgive myself for what happened afterwards. I know what I did was the only way to keep Chris alive, I tell myself this every single day. I can’t go back and I can’t change what happened as much as I might want to.

But really if there’s someone a therapist would tell me to forgive it would be my mother.

I used to look up to my mother; she was so powerful and graceful. She’d tell me all these stories about my history and what it meant to be a phoenix. That is she never told me exactly the kind of work we were commissioned to do, she waited till I was 13 to explain exactly why I’d been training to fight for years.

I remember once I asked my mother what it felt like to kill. She said it felt like nothing, nothing. I guess I should forgive her for lying to me.

Only I don’t. I don’t forgive her because I can’t. I just hope people I seek my own forgiveness from have a better heart than me.

Current Mood: angry angry

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What is the biggest obstacle you have overcome in your existence?

An obstacle? What in my life hasn’t been an obstacle? You see I was born a phoenix, an assassin, our kind rose up from the ashes of the witches in Salem and decided to empower ourselves. There was such anger and resentment for a Phoenix, we’re bred to hate and to live without attachments. It’s a little ironic when you think about it; avoiding human attachment yet you don’t become a phoenix, you are born one.

I never really considered myself evil until I met Chris Halliwell. Maybe it was because my mother didn’t use words like good or evil. All my mother ever taught me was how to kill; she taught me not to care about people, to remain solid and unflinching when I took someone’s life.

Changing my nature? That’s a huge obstacle if you ask me; it’s like some sort of addiction. When I first decided I didn’t want to be what I was it took everything I had to turn down jobs and declare myself an inactive Phoenix. See you don’t just get out of that kind of job, its imbedded deep in your nature and that was no different for me. I tried, god did I try; it took me so long to realize the difference between good and evil. And it took love to show me that I could be what I wanted to be for him.

It all came back to Chris for me.

Still later in life, or maybe it would be the beginning, when I made the decision to save Chris’s life by betraying him completely, that was the hardest thing I’d ever had to do. I’d always thought turning away from my heritage and my nature was the hugest obstacle I’d face in my life. I was so wrong; the biggest obstacle I’ve ever had was going back to my heritage and my nature, knowing Chris would hate me and knowing I’d be what I once was just to save him.

Returning was my obstacle.

When in your life did you feel the most alone?

I think the better question would be when did I not feel alone. I never really lacked for company in my life, yet I always seemed to feel the absence of something.

I remember when my mother told me about my destiny, when she told me everything about what being a phoenix meant. I was 10 and barely understood what she was telling me. A phoenix was meant to kill for hire. She sent me on my first job when I was 13.

I remember the day clearly, there was this witch who was causing a lot of problems for one of the more powerful Warlock’s in San Francisco. She was a frail woman and I still wonder to this day why the warlock didn’t just take care of the witch himself, but it wasn’t in my nature to ask. All I was trained to do was kill, strip her powers and leave her for dead. I was 13, I was still in junior high school and I remember staring down at the woman’s glassy eyes, my first kill.

I think I stayed sitting against the wall in the witch’s house trying to keep myself from crying for three hours. She just laid there unmoving and staring at me.

I’ve never felt so alone in my life. Not even when I lost everything I’d ever come to love. Not even when I was forced to betray Chris.

My first kill; mom was so proud.

What does the word 'love' mean to you?

Love? God I didn’t really know love in my life. My mother never had the time to show me what love meant. She was too preoccupied to stop and say things like I love you. I was taught to avoid closeness, to avoid getting attached to people because of who I was. How many people do you know that would be alright with my line of work? There was never anyone in my life worth loving and I never knew I was missing out on anything until I met Chris.

It was hard enough reconciling the girl with the phoenix inside me, adding love to the mix? It was too complicated for me and really I liked things to remain simple. I thought love, caring and all those things you’re supposed to know as a child were a weakness. I can thank my mother for that.

But now I know what it’s like to love, to face everyday in this ugly world because it’s worth it for the right person; a light to my darkness, who would have thought? Now I know what those cliché’s about making the world go round mean.

Love means sacrifice, Love means doing anything and everything it takes to protect those you love. Love means thinking of a world without the person you love in it, isn’t a place you want to be.

Love is the reason.

Current Mood: anxious anxious

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He'd almost been taken from her, stalking had never been her favorite past time but it was a handy skill when your trying to protect your fiance'. However not being able to intervene when he was almost killed? That weighed on her concious; the fact that she could do nothing for him or the girl she was sure he felt responsible for. The girl who, she'd noticed had looked at him in a way that sent her blood cold in jealousy. Nonetheless how could she intervene? It was too soon and the other less trusting whitelighter would report her apperance to the charmed ones without a second thought.

She could risk herself or Chris's secret and it killed her inside to watch the guilt fall over his face, the guilt that she knew he was holding deep within him. She hurt for him; and it was a hurt that would never go away.

She shimmered back to the hotel where she was staying and sighed heavily. She was getting restless, she had to intercept Chris soon, if she didn't get back Wyatt would no doubt send someone else. An assasin that wouldn't take her feelings into account; one who wasn't in love with her pray. A pheonix who wouldn't think twice of stripping his powers and dragging him back to Wyatt kicking and screaming. Someone who wasn't her.

She sighed and layed back on the bed. She'd go to their place; maybe somehow he'd end up there, and even if he wasn't the place would bring her comfort. She couldn't wait, she found herself in the gardens, unmarred. They were beautiful in this time; such a peaceful place, so far from the destruction that wyatt had forged upon the future, she almost wished she could stay here, begin the life that Wyatt had forced them to abandon.

She hated him; now she could just hope that Chris would come here, that he could find comfort in this place like she could. She needed to see him, she needed him to see her.
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Something had been wrong, she could tell as much from the few glimpses she'd managed to get of Chris from across the street. It had almost been too much to keep herself from shimmering into a dark corner to spy on the heated conversation.

Bianca wasn't quite sure what that would accomplish besides being in touching distance with Chris, which would put more than her mind at ease. She was lucky she had her wits about her, or she could have been found out. It wasn't likely that the charmed ones would take too kindly to her presence, as they'd find the entry about her kind within the pages of the book of shadows. Being vanquished, or attempted thereof was not on her list of things to do. In fact it was the last thing she ever planned to let happen.

Still, her need to get this job done swelled within her. Even greater so was her need to see Chris, touch him, hold him, plead with him to come with her.

She'd always fought with herself. Was she first a woman or first a pheonix? She knew what her mothers answer would have been. A pheonix. There was nothing more important in her life than her so-called calling. Her mark, her employer whoever that happened to be at the time. Getting the job done, staying true to the name, the family. never shameing what she was.

Chris, he'd had other ideas, and his had helped her see that she was more than a hired gun. Since she'd been with him her life was no longer about the mark, the athame waiting to be called forth, the kill. It was more, it was life, living, hoping for the future they could have. A future he was here to ensure, a future she was here, now by Wyatt's order, to ensure stayed exactly the same.

As she watched him retreat from view Bianca sighed heavily. Soon she'd have to make her presence known to him. She had to tell him why she was here, force him to understand, save him.

She knew she was giving Wyatt exactly what she wanted, betraying Chris and even betraying herself. But to allow Wyatt to hurt Chris? That was betraying her heart and she refused to do that. She'd rather him be alive and hate her than not be alive to have any feelings towards her at all.
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Bianca stood in the attic across from the manor; the binoculars were doing their job. She kept her eye on Chris.

Her heart longed for him, just to run over to that house and kiss him with everything she had. But she knew she couldn’t. She was here for one reason only. To bring him back with her; any way possible.

But it didn’t take away the dull ache inside her from being away from him for so long. Wondering if anything had changed, did he still have the ring? Did he think about her every night like she did?

Her entire body felt tired. Every second she questioned if this was right. Wyatt had been adamant. The only reason she went along with anything was because she knew if he couldn’t Chris back, he’d kill him.

She’d die to protect Chris, die to protect what they were trying to save, but there had to be a way to do it without having Wyatt hurt them anymore.

He looked towards the window as if he knew someone was watching him and she ducked quickly. She really wanted to shimmer into one of many hiding places in the manor just to be so close to him, smell the smell that was unique to him. She longed for his lips, longed for his entire body pressed against hers.

Bianca shook the thoughts out of her head. She had to stop with this. She had to be a Phoenix again. Her mission might be fueled by love, but the only way she knew she wouldn’t fail was if she did what she was trained to do, minus killing him.

She had to get him back. He heart couldn’t stand the thought of what Wyatt would do to him.
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